Hey! Welcome to my new look blog/website. Well, where has time been? I’ve been out of the blogging scene for such a long time, roughly around four whole years. Actually thinking about it, it could be alot longer in reality. My Blog/website isn’t just about my creativity and my planning addictions, it’s also about my life and everyday things too, some of which is happy and some sad. But I hope you’ll follow me and become apart of my world!
So where have I been?, since I last posted on my blog…
Well, it’s a bit of a long story but here goes I guess…
When I last blogged properly I was in full swing with creating handmade cards and crafts and even scrapbooking, showing off my latest creations on my old blog “Sweetncrafty” that was back in 2013. Alot and I mean alot has changed with me since then. As some of my regular readers will know, back then I was in touch with my biological father and at my last point of blogging I was ready to meet him “Again” and sort our differences out from over the years of me growing up. That did happen I’m pleased to say although, not everything was sorted out and still some white lies remained I for the first time ever, was actually getting to know my father, you know the one that left and treated me like dirt for the best part of twenty years. That was all behind us and finally we were getting to know each other, Or so I thought.
By Christmas 2013, I had asked my father a million questions via skype all about him, his favourite colour, his favourite song etc. It really was like 1001 questions. Then it suddenly dawned on me that it was all about him! He never asked about me. So over the next three to four months we slowly drifted apart, talking maybe once a week on the phone.
Over the period of Christmas 2013 and End of April 2014, I had began to put my problems into alcohol. I may add at this point, this post is going to be a deep one, much of which not alot of my own personal friends and family even know about. But I’ve always been told “It’s better out than in”. So here’s the whole truth of what happened when my life went wrong.
As many of you know I was married, notice I put “was”. Well… it was never right from the off. Looking back now I know it was the biggest mistake of my life. Yes that’s my own opinion and no I am not going to apologize for it. Things at home we not right, Me and my ex were constantly arguing, working and living together was such a bad combination. We had ZERO in common, I guess the day when a hand gets raised is the final straw. Behind closed doors is another thing, some of which I won’t go into here. But, It ended. I couldn’t deal with the fact I couldn’t go anywhere alone, I’ve always been independent, I couldn’t go out with my friends, anyone know knows me, know’s I’m a social butterfly. It was too controlled, too abusive and ultimately violent. I left, I found someone else and I am now extremely happy.
Coupled with the fact I was not coping with home life with my ex and drinking excessively. In may 2014, the police arrived at my door, to tell me that my father had died of a heart attack the other side of the country. I cannot tell you how I felt at the time because even now I still don’t understand my feelings fully, after everything bad that had happened between us over the years. I never expected a policeman to be stood in front of me telling me that he had died and that I was his next of kin, he’d actually divorced a few years previous and being the eldest of his children I was faced with the whole lot of sorting his affairs.
I’m not going to sit here and fib and say it was a breeze, it wasn’t I had to do somethings I am not proud of, mainly in respect of putting the lies he’d told so many people over the years right. Believe me when I say, you’ve heard of Billy Liar right? well, my father made him look like an angel. I know some of you must be thinking, “God, she’s awful, the things she’s saying about her own father”. I do understand your opinions, but lovely’s you’ve no idea what I had to endure the best part of twenty years of my life. My Father is the one who made me; attempt suicide twice, drove me to drink, the reason I took anti-depressants for the best part of eight years and ultimately is the reason I have no trust and commitment issues with men and ultimately ruined my childhood and teenage years.
The aftermath of sorting everything from funeral arrangements, dealing with all sorts of random rubbish I learnt along the way of my father’s death was hard, something I actually thought alot at the time I would never get through. How do I deal with the loss of my parent who wasn’t a parent but was sometimes?
I lost alot when my father past, not just him but my three brothers, my step-mom (before when he was married) and my father’s current partner. The ultimately blamed me for everything he did and the lies he’d told. Why? Because I couldn’t sit there and listen to all these make believe stories he’d created over the years which to this day I have no explanation other than, he must have not had any self confidence in people would like him for him, so he made lies to create a better version of himself. If any of my family are reading this… ask yourself… “why would I lie?, what do I have to gain?” the answer is simple. After everything I ever went through with him, why would I lie? I have nothing to gain, I’ve never had you in my life and I don’t need to have you in my life, just open your eyes and think about it!, one day you will realise I’m not the person you thought I was.
Time went on and it wasn’t until the funeral, I actually sat there and thought to myself “Everything he has put me through, every lie, every twisted memory he created” it’s all finished. It’s done. I don’t need to blame myself for not having my father in my life, keep asking why my father never loved me, why he never saw me, why he treated me that way. I had the answer the day of the funeral, he kept me away from everyone because I was different, I wasn’t like him and I’m not like him, I saw through him and wanted to know the real him beneath all the lies, but he would never let that lie down because he knew in his heart I wouldn’t stop until he did let it down, that wasn’t me trying to destroy him in anyway, that was his daughter wanting to know why? and wanting her real dad, yet if he was to do that and let me in he knew that everyone would turn against him for all the things he had done and said in life. That is the reason I was never his daughter!.
In July 2014 after the dust had settled with the emotional roller-coaster I had been through with my father, my nanna past away, she was a lovely lady and I miss her very deeply. I never got to go to her funeral because all the things kicked off with my ex husband and I finally moved out the day before back to my mom’s.
The following month I finally managed to move in with Daz, he is the one who saved me, by that I mean… I think if I had carried on drinking and carried on the way I was going with everything that had happened I really don’t think I would of been here today. He is the one person I trust with my life, the one person who wipes my tears, the one person who I love beyond life itself, if you’ve not guessed it by now he is my entire world. I cannot and will never be able to thank him enough for everything he helped me through the two worst years of my life including what I’m about to share with you. All I know is, he has shown me what Love means and what a partnership/relationship really means.
The heartbreak continued later on in 2014 when my step-dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. This is something I can talk about with those who know me, but nearly 6 years on it still breaks my heart. Why? Not because of the cancer, I wouldn’t give Cancer that satisfaction, it is evil plain and simple and I truly agree that Cancer destroys lives, Not only the one’s it takes but those left behind.
On January 11th 2015, my complete world as I knew it ended. My dear step-dad past away from the evil disease that had took him from me and my family.
Obviously I’d been through a tough few month’s knowing about what was happening, but that day came and that day I realized the saying “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” Is true. He wasn’t just my step-dad, he was my Dad, he was the one who provided for me and my mom, he was the one who sat and helped my get my maths GCSE Grade – even though I did his head in, he loved me like a daughter.
It doesn’t take blood to be a parent, it take someone who loves, someone who cares and that someone to me was him. He will always be the most bravest person I know for what he had to fight with this evil, cruel disease. It isn’t fair he was taken from me and my family, there is nothing in this world that will ever replace him or nothing that I would do to bring him back.
So loosing a parent, a real parent, is something I wish upon no-one it’s the most hardest thing I have ever and still have to deal with nearly six years later. One thing i learnt is it’s true you never see what is right in front of you, all those years I spent searching for a father figure when he was right in front of me all the time, that is something i dont ness regret but wish I could of told him what he meant to me, I hope deep down he knew but it’s something I have to live with and something that hurts to think and talk about.
You never move on from loosing a parent, life isn’t the same. Your world changes and I really really mean changes. You start to look at things very differently than how you would of before. You notice things, almost like having clarity moments. You know the important things in life, it’s like you realize by grief what you have and what you appreciate in life and even the things you know you don’t want or don’t agree with. Your whole life changes and your out look on it.
You notice silly things, other things really annoy you, you not hate people but start looking at people differently, why is that drunk alive and my dad isn’t? how’s that fair?. That sort of thing. You re-evaluate your own life and start without noticing doing things better, life is precious and it’s true to say live everyday like it’s your last. You can sit and cry and grieve that’s natural, but you can’t let it consume you, sad fact of life is that it goes on for those who are left behind. No matter who you loose they are never really gone, they are in your memories, they are in your heart, they make you, you!.
People would often say to me, “It gets easier with time”. Let me stop you right there. NO it doesn’t the pain I feel today is the exact same pain I felt the day I lost my dad, it doesn’t get any easier, what happens is you learn to live your life without them. If I could rephrase that saying it would be “In time you learn”. From personal experience, when someone dies, and someone says to you “I know how you feel”. Please think before you say this… do you? have you lost a parent?. If I had a pound for every time I heard that I’d be rich, it’s not a comfort to know that unless you really have, because the one thing that helps is talking about what’s happened, but not to someone who doesn’t understand. Daz Bless him, he has both his parents and as much as I love him, when I was talking to him I knew he didn’t understand but never once said that to me. I guess what I’m saying is it helps to talk no matter how painful it is to do so. Don’t bottle it up.
Bringing Colour into my life…
Time passes and eventually new things fall into place, by 2016 I had moved house again to where I am now, I love it here peaceful and quite and I actually have a rare thing of nice neighbors. I’ve lacked in crafting, I have been making cards in between all the things I’d been through including changing jobs, I now work a day shift woo! and what’s more weekends too! I left Morrison’s, well that’s a whole other story, but lets just say I will never work for a company who is insensitive as they were again.
My crafting took a back seat big time, whilst I moved from a joint craft room/office, to my own craft room to my craft shed, still creating along the way, then had my own office! which in 2020 I finally got decorated how I really wanted it! I’m illustrating and drawing which is what I love to do! My life finally started to look a little more colourful!
Which brings me to the present day, I’m happy with life, I have an amazing partner who I plan to marry as soon as Corna does one!. Life is beginning to even out for me finally, I’ve got some heartbreaking fertility issues but what’s life without a curveball now and again?. These things are sent to try us. So this is my new blog, for a new start in my blogging world. I cannot wait to catch up with some of my old blog friends, which I’ll be visiting very soon in blog land! I’ll be filling my blog/site up with lots of crafting, planner goodies, stickers and creativity very soon. So for now I will stop rambling on and leave you with this, It’s true to say one thing… What a wonderful World.